Catchfence


Nov 22, 2010
Monday
Johnson, California And Other Stuff, Not In That order
By

Granny Grump
Granny Grump
Hello loyal readers and other folks. I am finally back home just in time for Thanksgivin’ and boy howdy do I have a lot to be thankful for this year, let me tell you that right now. First off I am so very thankful to be home. My niece called me seems like forever ago and asked me to visit sayin’ she needed me. Didn’t say what she needed me for and that should have been my first clue not to hop on that jet plane. But she did, so I went. Lord have mercy I could go on and on as to why I shouldn’t have gone. But I did and I will say a few things about it here.

It is ever so evident that she needed a crackin’ the whip, no nonsense babysitter, chief cook and housekeeper. Although I had to learn to cook pert near all over again out there with a stove that had no flamin’ burner. Can you believe that? And you just can’t get some of the good and delicious food I know how and love to cook out there, either. Not a ground hog to be found anywheres, but you sure can buy brains and cow tongues! Not that those are bad, it just seems so unfair, if you know what I mean. But, that is neither here nor there, I’m guessin’. From the moment I go off that jet plane I was, shall we say, just overcome with culture shock. People have very little modesty out there. I’ve never seen so much exposed underwear that wasn’t hangin’ on a clothes line! Lord have mercy! And the girls were half dressed! And all those kids talk a weird language and have those blamed cellular phones glued to the side of their faces! It’s just not right. None of it is.

As soon as me and my Samsonite were in the door my niece and her husband hit the road for a much deserved and now I know why vacation and left me in charge. In charge I was, too, if you know what I mean. Took me a few days to get those kids properly clothed and speakin good ol’ regular English. All I did was take some nearly full strength Clorox a couple of times to some of their nasty lookin’ clothes and darned some of their blue jeans. I am still a bit upset with Cora(belle) for lettin’ her kids clothes wear out like that. Why those poor kid’s clothes were plum thread bare at the knees and seats of their pants! And those kids think I was born yesterday tellin’ me they bought them like that and thinkin’ I would believe that foolishness. Anyway after a few days those pants were pulled up and chests were covered, thank the good Lord. Of course I’m not sure what happened when they were out of my sight, but, respectfulness in my presence was probably all I could shoot for if you know what I mean. And soon there after they were comin’ home right after school too. Long story as to why, but, at least we reached an understandin’. I called it just punishment, they called it abuse or corporate punishment or somethin’ like that. Oh well. Peace did finally reign!

Almost got in legal trouble at the airport comin’ home, though. Some woman wanted to make sure I wasn’t a terrorist. Wanted to check me and mine out if you know what I mean. Why I pulled out my umbrella and gave her a good, loud talkin’ to, let me tell you that right now. I had to submit eventually, but, not after a thorough tongue lashin’. I know we all need to be safe when we fly, but, I’m just sayin’…me? Ah well maybe I’m just mellowin’ out in my older age, but a granny’s got to do what a granny’s got to do to get home. Know what I mean?

My sister, Cora(belle)’s mother, Francis Mae, took care of my place for me. That woman thinks I am so dumb. When I got there I asked where my duck was. She showed me a note and said it was from the duck tellin’ me he had gone off to look for the AFLAC duck and that he had fallin’ hopelessly in love. How dumb does she think I am? He can’t spell that good! Anyway I am hopin’ he shows up real soon. He loves the holidays. Just hope he loves them more than that AFLAC somersaultin’ emotion stealin’ quack.

That’s enough on my trip. I just don’t have the time or inklin’ to try to cover all the who’s its and what’s its that happened while I was in California so I’ll just start with Jimmy Johnson. Well, he is the Champ for the fifth time in a row. What more can you say about that other than Denny and Kevin aren’t? I mean really! And Homestead was as excitin’ as ever, if you know what I mean. Jimmy seems to be settlin’ into marriage and fatherhood real well. Good for him, I say! Maybe next year we will have a different Champ. I’m not predictin’ or wishin’ anything here, I’m just sayin’. And for the other stuff, that Danica girl is still unzippin’, if you know what I mean. I’m just sure I saw her granny in one of her commercials awhile back. She looked to be a reasonable and decent woman, from what I could tell. Oh well, we just aren’t responsible for the actions of our offspring or for their offspring and so on, thank the good and gracious Lord.

Oh and one more other stuff topic. I picked up some of that crazy kid language out there in the west. So for those of you who talk that stuff, I hope I can get this right. Yo, yo, man. Johnson is the dog…my bad, dawg! Dude, he is thick sick man, yo!

Well, I’m runnin’ out of time so I better close for now. I need to grab the shotgun and meet Walter from behind the meat counter out in the woods for turkey huntin’. He will pick it and I will click it! So, I do want to wish all my loyal readers and other folks a very Happy Thanksgivin’, (dudes and dudettes?).



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Views expressed by the writers are not necessarily the views of Catchfence



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