Granny Grump

Now for the year of hair. Seems to me 2010 is it…the year of hair. Have you noticed? Every body and his brother has hair. It’s all over the place, literally. Here are a few examples: Look at Clint Bowyer. My good and gracious Lord that man looks good in “The Little House On The Prairie” do! Doesn’t he? Oh Clintie darlin’, you look fabulous. Absolutely lookin’ good, honey. You stand out now. You don’t look like one of Jeff Burton’s brothers any more. Now before you get your fire resistant underwear in a bunch, darlin, I’m not suggestin anything about you bein a Burton. I’m just sayin. You look REALLY good, sweetness.

And then there is Johnson’s face, JR’s face, Boris’s hairdo (which is normal and I love it) and hair and more hair just everywhere it seems to me. Why even Darrell’s hair has drawn a little more of my attention this year, as well. Seems a little extra poofy to me. Of course I love it cause that’s just one handsome somebody right there! But I’m sittin there in front of my TV lookin at all this hair and sayin “What?”

Now, everybody knows I love a nice scruffy beard. They know blame well it is a passion of mine cause it reminds me of my late husband Elmer. Well, in his younger days anyway. In his later years it got all wirey and wild! Why we just couldn’t keep it well contained or groomed. I’ve had some nightmares about it, I can tell you that right now. It just got into everything. My face at night, his eatin plates and, at times it required extra attention when he was goin to take a bath. I just got so blamed tired of bein tripped durin the night by it. We got to callin it The Beast. And him dressin was a cause of concern, but, like most stressful causes it got easier after awhile. Practice makes perfect, if ya practice right, and we got that sucker under control after a spell, well that and he got it caught on the neighbor’s porch railin and pulled it down on himself and their pet cow. Cost us an absolute fortune to fix the railin and get a personal groomer to come and give us some personal trainin. Ah well, those were some frightenin days. Yep, indeedy.

Anyway, I still do love YOUNG scruffy beards, but, have you looked at JR’s beard up close this year? I mean, oh my dear Lord. That’s just not right. Know what I mean? Why I have a push broom in the barn that is about the same color, I believe but, it looks better than that, uh, growth. Look, I adore JR, his brother and his sisters. And I did so adore their father. I think he was the just about the greatest thing since pink lemonade, but Jr, lambiepoo, that mess you’re sportin just hides every cute part of your face. Didn’t you used to be a Gillette young gun, once? I think so, but, either way you hunt those boys down and let them have their Gillette way with you. Hear me, now? Beard only, though, otherwise you could wind up lookin like, well, Clarabell Newman, but that’s neither here nor there.

And close to finally, this brings me to those vergin on nasty Danica comemmercials again. I can’t help it. They just really bug me. Tell me now, how do y’all think most racefans would view a commercial where veteran Mark Martin was stopped by a good lookin hunky police officer who proceeded to get all excited and crazed over godaddy.com and got in Mark’s sweet face and start ripping his shirt off. Heck I’m wonderin how Mark himself would view that mess. I just can’t see it myself, loyal readers and other folks, and in a real life situation like that I think sweet Markie might just risk the anti sponsor scandal and punch the crazed, half dressed cop dude in his ripped abs. Mark is very physically fit after all and he could handle it, no doubt in my mind whatsoever. Know what I mean?

And then picture our overly scruffy bearded JR on a message table with a good lookin male masseuse who gets all excited about godaddy.com and starts rippin his attire to shreds. What might happen next just could very well be a BIG sponsor deal breaker… half dressed masseuse all black and blue, sprawled on the floor and JR yellin somethin about a somethin daddy.com whatsit or other goin somewhere or another! That’s a worrisome thought, but, with the way those commercials are goin who knows what is gonna happen next. Lord have mercy on us all! I just can’t stand it! They have got me so riled up, I had an episode of road rage just thinkin about them. I took to speedin and got taken in again. A good number of these folks around here are just not normal. Know what I mean? Deputy Wildun pulled me over and I threatened him with everthing I could think of if he even thought of rippin his shirt off. He hauled me in, and I had to be “evaluated”. Can you even believe that? What a backwoods ninkanpoop! Thank the very good Lord we’re not all like him, them, whatever! Anyway, I’m pert near positive that’s neither here nor there.

And I can’t even begin to wrap my head around Mark or JR in a shower, or dancin in short shorts and heels. Oh that’s a real Calgon PLEASE take me far, far away thought, if ya know what I mean! These commercials are just, well, nasty. They are. Seems more fit for a nasty ol’ pj clad Hugh Heffner than NASCAR. Sure wish I had the money to start a gogrannygrump.com. Think about it. I can see our commercials now. Betty White is a tough ol’ gal….she would hop over the closed door of her hot pink convertible ( I just love hot pink) to tackle that half dressed female cop to the ground, whip her behind, then turn to face the camera and say, “If you’ve had enough like we have, just gogrannygrump.com. Know what I mean?” (Hey, Mark, boss man honey down there in Florida somewhere, this gogrannygrump.com idea is covered by content protection. Right? ISHS!) Oh well, this is just a granny’s opinion for what it’s worth, but, that’s neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. I’m just thinkin and sayin.

And for sure, finally, the other stuff. Seems there are a lot of new NASCAR babies bein born lately. Everyone around here is blamin Mother Nature, snugglin weather and all, but, I say it could just have somethin to do with the consumption of all those sport or energy drinks. Think about it. Makes sense, doesn’t it? I’m not blamin or anything. I’m just sayin.

Well, that’s it for the time bein. Granny’s grumblins are over for now. I forgot to remind y’all last time to send me your comments. Guess that’s why I got nothin. Oh I’m not complainin. I am a very busy woman, but if you so desire, some of ya tell me what you think about all this year’s hair, those commercials, and so forth. I can’t believe I am in this thought frame all alone. Nah…..can’t be, no how, no way.

Til next time, y’all behave and if ya can’t behave, be careful.

Granny Grump

Now to address other things on my mind at present. At face value there are basically 2 ways to look at this up-comin’ weekend. In the grand world scheme of things Daytona is fairly insignificant (1), but the flip side of this means we all need a diversion and are lookin’ forward to the Daytona mayhem and madness (2). I fall into the later category, if ya know what I mean. Every time I think about it I get all warm and nervous. Not much makes me feel that way anymore except for hot flashes and these here races. Well that and Mark Martin, Ron Hornaday, Jr.,  and about 45 other drivers, give or take a few here and there. At my age I count my blessin’s where and when I get ‘em, but, that’s neither here nor there if ya know what I mean.

So, I guess I’ll start this here article off with Miss Danica. Now, I admit that I was not much in favor of her comin over to NASCAR, as my loyal readers may remember. It had nothin’ to do with her racin’ abilities. She has had some success over in the drag racin arena so I really had no idea whatsoever how that would play out in real racin’… oval type racin’ I mean to say. I was thinkin she might be more of a distraction thing for the drivers and the sport cause all I had to go on were those GoDaddy.com commercials and I personally think those are just chock full of questionable taste, silliness and aimed strictly at men. Come on now. Fact is fact. I can tell you one somethin’ right now, if I get stopped by a woman cop and she starts tearin’ her shirt off and leanin’ in my face, that girl is gonna get a whole lot of granny whuppin’ in real short order. Then I guess I’ll be writin’ from jail but it would probably be worth it. Know what I mean? And then there was the one last Sunday where she was wrapped in a towel and layin’ on a message table and, once again, that girl was rippin her shirt off.

What in this world are they thinkin’? That doesn’t give either woman in those commercials a healthy, respectable image, if ya know what I mean. Am I wrong here or what? I don’t think so. The site is named GoDaddy.com, not Go Nasty Rippin’ Off Her Shirt Girl, for Pete’s sake. Bring back the bigger than life racin’ posters. Please! I can’t take this anymore. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak. Lord have mercy! And it just isn’t fair for people to think of either girl in those ways whether you are male (which have different opinions I am sure) or female. I can tell you that right now. Danica is a racer. What has rippin’ your shirt off got to do with that anyway? Whatever! Now we finally have had the opportunity to watch her behind the wheel and she is impressive to say the least. She doesn’t need that yucky stuff. Just my opinion, but, I’m stickin’ to it.

And while we’re on the subject, everyone of those other girls racin were very impressive. Granny was shoutin’ for ya, honeys. I am very happy women racers are finally being viewed differently and I think we are gonna see some excitin’ competition from all of them. It’s just a shame that Shawna Robinson, Kim Crosby and a few others weren’t taken seriously a few years back. Those girls were just as talented and good lookers too and they didn’t have an owner boyfriend to help them out, either. Of course that doesn’t always work, but, I’m just sayin! Maybe somebody out there ought to dig deep in their pockets and hunt these girls down and jump on this new racin band wagon. How’s this sound? A well known owner puttin’ together a new NASCAR multi-driver team with only female drivers hittin’ ARCA, then trucks and onwards. Could pay off big! Sponsors? This is only an idea, but, Tampax, Kotex, Playtex, Maidenform, Avon or a wide range of other female products. Hey it can’t be any worse that the shirt rippin’ girls. Right? Again, I’m just sayin’.

Enough of all that. Now for the “Other Stuff”:

I am so thrilled to see Mark and JR fillin out the front row Sunday. Talk about excitin. I’m getting all warm and nervous again and this aint a hot flash as far as I can tell. And lookey here, Kyle Busch owns a truck team now. I will refrain from comment for now, but, will say a genuine congratulations to ya Shrub! I sincerely mean that.

I sure did hate to recently read about Robby Gordon runnin a limited schedule. He just needs backin from someone. Ok, some big time money man, listen up. Robby is amazin and get that boy in some big bucks equipment and he will run them all down. Hear me? And the merchandise will fly out the hauler. Put me down for a shirt and hat! Maybe even 2 of each! See? You’re already makin money on somethin’ you haven’t paid for yet! Know what I mean? Just say yes!

And Kevin Harvick won the second in a row Bud Shootout. Kevin, honeybunch, Granny was pullin for ya and ya made this mature woman as happy as she could be considerin’ she got a speedin ticket tryin to get home in time to watch the race, but, that’s a story for another time and place. Know what I mean? Anyway, sweetness, woohoo and pass the potatoes! Congratulations to ya! I hope this starts 2010 off in great fashion for ya. Of course, I said the same thing last year, but, that is neither here nor there!

And finally for this go around I want to call attention to the ever so handsome and talented Steve Park who competed in the NASCAR All-Star Showdown at Irwindale last weekend. Logano won, young Pena almost did and Steve came in 10th. It was wonderful to see that boy racin with some big names. He stayed out of trouble and brought his ride home 10th. Man oh man wouldn’t I love to see him back in the Nationwide or Cup series. And so would a lot of other race fans. The women love him. Why I was at one of his autograph sessions one time and some of those women were throwin articles of clothin at him and made Danica’s commercials look like a church picnic! That’s the truth! Why, I still stifle the urge to hang my Pennzoil banner out across the chicken coop every racin Sunday! Why people would come from all over town to look at that thing hangin’ out there all big, yellow and, well, big. It was amazin’ to see, I can tell ya that right now. I purely miss the boy. He sure showed he can still get the job done. Wish some owner would give him another chance if that’s what he wants.

So that’s it for now, y’all. I’m sure I will think of other stuff I should have talked about, but, I can’t sit here any longer. I’m still a very busy woman. I’ll catch up with you again, probably next week sometime if court and my speedin ticket appearance goes well. Around here who knows, however. Personally, I think law enforcement has a good one for me, if ya know what I mean, but, that’s neither here nor there. Later.

Granny Grump

I guess some thinkin’ somebody in NASCAR decided they needed to try somethin’ to avoid the typical wreck fest, but, from nearly lap one, it was pitiful. It was follow the leader for lap after lap after lap. And fact is, had one car up front lost a tire or had to check up for one reason or another, the results could have been worse than anythin’ we have seen to date. So listen up here, whoever that thinkin’ NASCAR somebody was, this was a BAD IDEA! It didn’t work no way, no how, I can tell you that right now. Now I’m not wantin’ to hag on any of you big business Daytona moguls, but Mr. Mike, you good lookin’ big guy you…y’all need to go back to that thinkin’ room and sit awhile longer before you head to you know where in Feb ru air. Understand handsome big business man? You just don’t want to put your racin’ boys and us payin’ spectators through some costly foolishness like that again. Know what I mean? I’m just tryin to help a good lookin’, big powerful man like yourself Mr. Mike. You should give me a call and we can discuss it like intelligent race knowin’ folk. We can have a special sitdown here at my place and I will cook you up a meal like you have never had in your life! That, Mr. Mike I can guarantee you. Why, just thinkin’ about it warms my heart and tickles me pink, but, that is neither here nor there.

And boy howdy, was Ryan Newman one lucky buck? Why I was so worried I was pacin’ the floor and chewing on my picklin’ flavored finger nails. Seemed to take those emergency folks forever and then some to get him out of that car, but, I know they were doin’ just what they needed to do to make sure he was handled proper. Good for them and I am so glad that handsome young man was ok. I think he looks good these days. Thank goodness they let that boy’s hair grow out from that Gillette commercial. Why he got into so much trouble, he wound up with a Clarabell hairdo. Know what I mean? Well you would only know what I mean if you remember Buffalo Bob, Howdy Doody, Flub-A-Dub and Mr. Bluster. And I was a proud member of The Rootie Cazootie Club too, by golly. Remember that?

Oh those were the good ol’ days with wonderful wholesome and good sense TV shows like Kukla, Fran and Ollie, Captain Kangaroo and the Mickey Mouse Club! And how many of you remember Sky King and his niece Penny? Ah but I do know t that is neither here nor there if ya know what I mean.

And how about that amazin’ Mark Martin? Why that good lookin’ man with the million dollar smile went to rollin’ and wound up upright and as cute as ever. Of course we can’t say that about his car, but, at least he was unhurt, at least physically. His chance at this championship is slippin’ away. sadly. But, I will go on record as sayin’ if he stays put in the Hendrick deal, he will have an excellent chance at the Champ run next year, as well.

That’s about it for racin’ stuff for now. I did want to share a tidbit of information on my mysterious sporatic absences as of late. I have taken a night job. Yes indeedy! I just thought it would be good for me to pad my old age nest with a few extra feathers for when the time comes. Know what I mean? Well I ran in to the girlfriend of the head of the night shift security patrol company for the “downtown” section of our community. They needed someone to patrol the area from 1 in the mornin’ til whenever Big Bad Bill Brown (kind of reminds everyone who knows him of someone in particular if ya know who I mean) decides to wake up and haul his big bad self down there for his shift. No one is for sure what that time frame is truly supposed to be, but, I personally think no one would have confronted him even if they knew because he is so big and he is so bad. I wouldn’t have thought of doin’ it either until he just made me so mad I could have cussed out the cat without gettin’ a hair one in my mouth if that is what I had a mind to do. I mean to tell you I was all kinds of purely ol’ bent.

I mean, things were goin’ pretty good to my way of thinkin’ for the first couple of weeks. He seemed to show me a fair amount of respect and always showed up pert near to 6 in the mornin’. Then he gradually got a little later each day until I could barely hold my eyes open. I took a page from Ricky Rudd’s book and used scotch tape to hold them open on a couple of occasions thinkin’ if it’s good enough for that oh so very handsome retired Ricky Rudd then it’s plenty good enough for me and that Big Bad Bill Bonehead Brown cruelly laughed at me! Can you believe that? Well I took it the first time, but, that man is a rippin’ idiot. Everyone knows you don’t laugh at a tired as she can be granny for two days in a row. That’s an unwritten law or somethin’ somewhere. If you do that you risk all sorts of granny wrath. Well he did and then I did!

Now I didn’t get truly physical, or much of anything like that. I still have fines to pay from the last incident. Anyway, I just baked the man a special Granny Grump rhubarb pie and when he got a little on the goofy side, I used that opportunity to convince him that I may not be as big as he is, but I am definitely as bad or worse. Without wastin’ time or further space here, he now shows up at a prompt 5:30 every mornin’. That is excellent timin’ because it is just before the red haired bullfrogs flood the main road. I hate shooin’ them back to the field. They stink and they’re noisy and there are just so blasted many of them. Anyway with a few extra bucks buildin’ up in my secret hidin’ place, I just might see some of y’all at some race track or another sometime soon. I’ll keep you posted.

And as for my email…well it got so backlogged with lack of sleep I deleted it all except for Flora Lee’s. Now Flora, you know blamed well that that man is pure icky. And besides you can’t get near him without itchin’. No one can woman! Just make him shave all over or board him at the kennel and visit once in awhile. I just don’t care enough to care enough one way or the other. That’s fair, humane and cheaper than rent. Know what I mean?

Well, I’ve got to get ready for work loyal readers and other folks. I’m runnin’ just a little behind but I need to make sure my special gear is filled, primed, has fresh batteries, is properly holstered and the automatic lock is on. I sure don’t want a repeat of night before last, but, I assure y’all I have definitely been cleared of any purposeful wrong doin’ by the state’s Special Battery Operated Gear Squad. After all, I did attend and pass the required 15 minute class, and I am state Special Battery Operated Gear certified. Makes you feel safer somehow, doesn’t it?

Just stay at home after 9 and remember our curfew. Don’t make me get forceful and or ugly. 10-4? I’ll check in with y’all soon enough. Granny Grump is over and out.

Granny Grump

I just love the fact that this here senior driver, active full time, then retired, then semi retired and now active full time again Cup driver sits, cute as can be, in the points lead just, scarey enough I can tell you that right now, 10 points ahead of darlin’ Jimmie Johnson and his “push all NASCAR limits” crew chief Chad Knaus. Mark may have been confused for awhile as to whether he wanted to drive, or not, but once he figured that out he has been just amazin’. Well that and he drives for Mr. Hendrick now. Anyway 10 points is just plain close, folks. Looked like there for awhile Jimmie would pass Markie up last Sunday, but, when all was said and done, handsome veteran Mark held on to the lead. I sure was gettin’ a bit on the heated up side there for a bit, and close as it was, Mark held on. Sure enough I was a yellin’ to beat the band, rootin’ for Mark and all, but, us veterans just have to stick together don’t ya know. I know you all are wonderin’ what I am a veteran of. It’s not like I have to answer that question, but, I will I guess. I am a veteran of the first, and every year since, The Annual Runnin’ Of The Ducks here in these parts. It’s a cultural thing here, ducks bein’ so important and all, but, that doesn’t mean I respect or like them in any way, shape or form. Let me tell you that right now. Anyway, that’s how come me to know how treacherous they are and why I took up valuable space in my last column, warnin’ sweet flippin’ Carl about hangin’ out with those nasty things. Let me go on the record to state they are pure nasty. Purely. Period. Oh I do like my own white duck good enough I guess, namely because the poor thing is old as the hills, but he no longer has a seat at my table, The last time, and I do mean last, was just a horrible nightmare. And if that wasn’t enough to cinch his outside forever status, he tripped me, on purpose I firmly believe, durin’ the last Runnin’ Of The Ducks. I went slidin’ through that duck yuck and it seemed like a lifetime before I reached hard, dry ground. I will never trust him again. EVER, but that is neither here nor there. Let’s see. Where was I? Oh yeah. The Chasers…Jimmie won the race and good for him. The rest of the Chasers line up like this:

3. Juan P Montoya -65
4. Kurt Busch – 75
5. Tony Srewart -106
6. Denny Hamlin -108
7. Ryan Newman -110
8. Jeff Gordon -122
9. Greg Biffle -138
10. Brian Vickers -151
11. Carl Edwards -153
12. Kasey kahne -189

I don’t have much more to say about these guys at this time other than they are on a mission of madness, as I said last week. And that is a good thing, actually. Their owners, and in this case for that good lookin’ Tony it would be himself, their sponsors and us died in the wool racefans, expect nothin’ less. We just have to hold on to our seats and wait to see how it all goes. And not that this will mean much to you all out there, but those crazy old fools who hang out at the barber shop think they know a thing or 2 about racin’ and use that as an excuse to get together each weekend. But, if you walk by there and the window is open, well, I think they all are just playin’ a lot of pull my finger, if ya know what I mean. That pretty much proves what I have said all along when I said they are all too full of hot air. It’s the same all year round, race season or no, but all of this is neither here nor there.

Anyway, next thing on my list and in my title is Jeremy Mayfield. That boy has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been wonderin’ about his war with the NASCAR powers that be. Then low and behold if I didn’t read the other day that those same powers that be got a hold of a Federal Judge and want that boy evaluated. It seems they want to know if he really has ADHD and a substance abuse problem. Well, truth be told folks, all those drivers have to have some sort of affliction or deficit if they chose to drive 200 mph with 42 other guys and like it. And we do too since we sit there week after week and watch. Seems to me the important thing here are the drugs…whether they are legal or not. Seems NASCAR has some legal papers from some folks who are sayin’ they have seen Jeremy do that several times since 1999. Well, that is important, no doubt, but, I have been known to stretch a tale or two and can signin’ a paper to any fact be proof positive? Maybe, but, maybe not. What if that was 10 years ago if he did do that? What if he used to do that and hasn’t in a long time? What if Jeremy did it with other NASCAR drivers or affiliated people? What happened to them? What if those accusin’ people have a chicken to pluck with that boy? And why have those upstandin’ accusin’ people waited until now to relay this here important information? Makes a person wonder. Know what I mean? That boy sure looks healthy and not like some of those big city criminal drug nasties you see on TV. Am I spittin’ in the wind here? One thing is for certain…whether that boy is guilty of all or even part of what they are sayin’ or whether he is as innocent as he was on the day he was born, he has lost and lost big! Even if they can prove this is all a bunch of chicken doodoo that boy is ruined. Am I wrong here? Flip side of that is NASCAR ABSOLUTELY has to protect their own and I agree with that. Perhaps it would be best to limit the informaation until it is becomes a proven fact. It’s all a cause to pause, isn’t it? I can’t see how anything good will arise from these ashes for Jeremy, but if these here allegations are proven wrong and I were Jeremy, I think it would take an act of Congress, an act of God and someone stoppin’ me with the whole US Army to whoa me up. But that’s just the mean ol’ granny in me talkin’, but bein’ honest.

Anyway, the last thing on my thinkin’ plate are those GoDaddy commercials. That female policewoman? Well if some policewoman comes up to me, gets in my face and starts takin’ off her clothes and flingin’ her hair around like that she will need another police officer to extract this granny’s hands from her around her neck and from her luxurious type hair, I can tell you that right now! That after I whip her behind and tell her a thing or 100. And as for Danica. Good Lord woman, what are you thinkin’? You want people to take you as a serious racer, right? Well after these commercials they may just think you are serious alright, a serious —- and you fill in the blanks, honey, and I don’t think they mean racer. Know what I mean? And that nasty woman in the court room rippin’ at her shirt and yellin’ “enhanced” or whatever she’s sayin’….well she is just awful. I think Danica needs to stay where she is and leave NASCAR alone. As for Go Daddly…just bring back those full size wall stickers of those strong, good lookin’ young men! Now those were nice and wholesome commercials. Know what I mean?

Well, that is it for now loyal readers and you other folks. My computer is gettin’ hot and so am I.

Here are a couple of important responses to my email. The others will have to wait a spell:
…Bernard just say no. And don’t be mean to your mother when you say it. She is 95 after all. Just be firm and then run andl ock yourself in the basement.

…And LolaMay for Heaven’s sake stop that winein’. Give him cold, freah applecider or better yet buttermilk instead. You know that old saying… The true test of a man is a true taste test for the man.” It’s true honey. And it works everytime!

Send your comments and remember to be patient. You know the deal…I’m a very busy woman.

Granny Grump

Well loyal readers and other folks, here we are on the threshold of, if memory serves me properly and at my age who knows, the 6th Chase Sprint Cup Championship determinin’ 10 race run beginin’ with Loudon this Sunday and endin’ at Homestead on November 22. There are no scheduled weekends off durin’ this period. This is an excitin’ time, let me tell you that right now. And interestin’ly enough I have heard so many people and drivers say “the pressure is off”. To that I have to say, “What and for which driver?” That’s just plain phoney baloney. Those boys are not playin’ horseshoes folks. They aren’t racin’ for almosties or pertnears. Know what I mean? Geez Louise (she hates it when I say that by the way) people this is gonna a be a no holes barred, grab your pants the barn’s on fire, get out of the way all hell is breakin’ loose Chase and I personally just can’t wait! This here is what is gonna separate the bad boys from the BAD BOYS. And hopefully we will see some pretty spectacular things from some of the “non chasers”. Know what I mean? What do you think?

Anyway, those 12 drivers are on a pure madness mission to be the next Sprint Cup Champ and those outside the 12 are gonna be on a similar madness mission, wantin’ to and tryin’ to win where, when and as often as they can! Of course Jimmie is wantin’ to win his 4th in a row title but 11 others are out to see that doesn’t happen, so odds wise at this point, 1 in 12 ain’t lookin’ too proof positive, now is it, but more on that cutie later.

So. let’s take a quick walk (chase…get it? I tickle myself sometimes let me tell ya that right now) down “Chase Lane” to look at the dudes in the runnin’, better known as the “Chasers,” shall we?

Up front is darlin’ and mystifyin’ Mark Martin. I am just about as happy as hogs in mud that Markie is in the Chase and leadin’ the pack. Oh how I love that smile, as I’ve told y’all before, and he is just as cagey as any of ‘em, I can tell you that right now. I should imagine (I do not say “I assume” or “surely” anymore as I learned my lesson big time on those expressions) that anyone with any amount of workin’ brain matter and bein’ a true race fan would be excited about sweet, talented and tough Mark havin’ this chance. OMG! Know what I mean? (No really, do you know what that means? OMG= Oh My God dearies) Look, this driver deserves to be where he is. Years of hard work and experience has earned him the respect of this sport. He and a few other veteran drivers are provin’ what diehard, long time racefans have always known…that veterans are not only a proven talent, but, they should be like they used to be, a tried and trusted racin’ commodity and not a racin’ oddity! You go Mr. Martin! GO GET ‘EM! GOOD LUCK to ya and remember darlin’, I’ve got a permanent place set for you at my dinner table any time, honey! Know what I mean?

Mercy! I need a second to calm down. 1001…Ok:

#2 spot is held by masterful Tony Stewart with that handsome scruffy beard! Now this is not only excitin’, but, amazin’ when you stop to think about what all this driver and this new team has managed to accomplish in their first year! OMG! (We are clear on that meanin’, right? Cause I’m not explainin’ it again.) I’ll admit to thinkin’ he might have had one too many jolts durin’ the ‘08 season when I heard about this team venture of his, but, I do know when I am wrong. Well usually I do, but not always. I sure was takin’ for a fast ride, no pun intended, by a long ago local racer with the unusual name of Hamlin Hock and his pretty little wife Holly. We called him Ham Hock for short and called his wife, well, Holly Hock, but that story is neither here nor there and a bit embarrassin’. Perhaps I will explain at a later date and time if I see fit, but, don’t hold your breath. Anyway, I’m pullin’ for ya Smoke. What a handsome young man you are, dear, more talented than many drivers and just about as tough as nails. GO SMOKE! Whew…it’s gettin’ hot in here again! Anyway, let me know when you’re ready to have a delicious sit down, hon. Note: Menu is open!

#3 is 3 time in a row and reingin’ and handsome young Champ Jimmie Johnson. What can I say about this young man that others haven’t said? Well, let’s see? Obviously he is an amazin’ talent! Our sport is all the better because of him. I really believe that and that is fact, as I see it. And Chad has worked hard, both within and outside, the NASCAR rules to help Jimmie perform to best of their abilities. Now I’m not haggin’ on Chad. Y’all know he’s pushed a lot of limits, but, in fairness to him so have many other crew chiefs. Right? Just seems he has done it a little more than some others. Know what I mean? With that said, he is one heck of a crew chief and I know they will both work their tailpipes off tryin’ to get #4 title. It will happen folks…maybe not this here year, but it will happen. Jimmie, darlin’, do your darndest to make it happen and I’ve made up my mind to have a place set at my table for all the ‘chasers”, if they like. Bring Chad with you, too, honey. I’d like to have a chat with him, as well! You know this is turnin’ out to be a really good idea, Sort of a down home awards ceremony for the top 12 instead of the top 10. No monkey suits required or ball gowns for the little ladies. Jeans and boots will be just fine considerin’ we will probably have to wet down Main Street to keep the flyin’ dust to a minimum. Of course the food will be great and the whole town will turn out and we can make sure there are porta potties a plenty! Think on this hon and get back to me so I can bring it up to our one and only city event committee member, Watson.

Speakin’ of porta potties…I need a break!

Ok. I’m back. Oh and FYI…Tony and Jimmie are both only 10 points behind Markie.

#4 is Denny Hamlin who sits 20 points, along with the #5 chaser Kasey Kahne, behind Markie. Wow, these two younguns are amazin’ aren’t they? I’ve got to admit to thinkin’ some of Kasey’s commercials helped shape this nation’s thoughts about “cougars”, if ya know what I mean? And I ain’t talkin’ about big ol’ cats! But, no doubt this driver has done an amazin’ and impressive job of gettin’ “the” job done. I like Kasey alot. He is just so pretty, isn’t he? Now I mean that in a very proper way and Lord knows I do not want to appear like those commercialized older women groupies of his, but, Kasey honey, perhaps you and I need to have a “for your own good” talk. Know what I mean? Anytime…just let me know when! And as for Denny, well that boy is growin’ up to be a fine young driver. And OMG we found out this year that this youngun actually has a well developed and under control temper! I was properly impressed, I can tell you that right now! There was just enough temper showin’ to get his point across but not a busch-ell amount if you know what I mean! Denny’s smile actually reminds me of my youngest grandson. Just makes me want to pinch Denny’s cheeks, but, I won’t. It would break my heart if he reacted like my grandson does, but, that is neither here nor there! Both you boys do everything you can to get to the top and remember Granny is watchin’ and hopin’!

#6, #7 and #8 all fall 30 point behind Markie and are in that order respectfully… Jeff Gordon, Kurt Busch and Brian Vickers. First off let me congratulate all of y’all. That is an amazin’ and impressive feat, no doubt about that. Jeffie, you cute little daddy you! I just think you are one of the neatest things since processed cheese product which has saved yours truly and a lot of other older than myself folks in this town a lot of money, so, I hope that truly shows you just how highly I think of you.. I mean, hello! You are a heck of a racecar driver darlin’. You need to stay focused and work extra hard though, honey, to keep your team mate and employee from matchin’ your title numbers. Know what I mean? With the proper wordin’ you can accomplish this. Give me a call and I will coach you, darlin’. My nephew has always been and will forever remain a Jeff Gordon fan, honey! Absolutely the truth, so, he’s pullin’ for you like your many other, millions I imagine, fans! So, go, go Jeffie!

And Kurt, darlin’. I think your community service in Phoenix a few years ago was just what the doctor ordered…not Dr. Jerry Punch as far as I know, but whatever doctor that old sayin’ is refferin’ to. Anyway…you are awesome in that #2 car. You are just a nice guy these days! And I think you probably make Rusty very proud. I don’t know for certain, however, because he hasn’t returned any of my 37 phones calls yet, but, who’s countin’? Know what I mean? Yet, I remain forever hopeful. I’m like that, I’ll just hang in there. I do adore that good lookin’ redheaded racin’ retired rascal! He reminds me of a great lookin’ young man who worked at our now defunct electricity generatin’ plant. That man worked long, hard hours turnin’ that crank, but, that is a story for another place and time. So, Kurt, honey, just do your thing and just know that Granny is proud of you! Truthfully! Just a thought, but, I bet you look real good in pink! And regardless of what others may say…many men look good and manly in pink, honey. I think I’ve even seen that good lookin’ DW in pink before! Anyway, dear, good luck to ya! Just GO Kurtie Pie!

And Brian Vickers, you rascal you! You did it! WOW, honey! A lot of people were pullin’ for you. Daddy Clyde must be about to bust his buttons and seat seams! I am so proud of you honey, but Kyle Busch along with Matt Kenseth and Clint Bowyer were not among your cheerleaders! Oh well! Congratulations! And did you have fun at the US Open? That was you, right? Tennis…now that’s an interestin’ sport! I think it beats racin’ for havin’ fit throwin’ participants. Well…at least it may “match” racin’. Get it? Another cute and particularly appropriate reference on my part, in my opinion! Anyway, honey…you go out there and kick some racin’ bohunkus! Hear me? GO BRI! Granny’s pullin’ for you! BTW I love that scruffy beard, sugar, so keep it!

#9, #10, #11 and #12 all sit pretty just 40 points behind Markie. Those bein’ Flippin’ Carl Edwards, Ryan Newman, Juan Pablo Montoya and Greg Biffle respectfully! Wow, what a tight battle headin’ into the final stretch. These last but not least four should never be considered anything less than fantastic! First off, Carl, darlin’, take care of your foot, sweetness, and leave that blasted spot light stealin’ white duck alone! For one thing ducks are nasty! Know what I mean? You don’t need that stuff flyin’ around in your race car, honey. The feathers are bad enough! He can only cause you problems, Carl! Believe me I know, first hand, how treacherous and back stabbin’ those nasty ol’ quackers can be! Anyway, Granny is proud of you, darlin’. You have earned this chance and, of course there will be many, many more! Go do what you do best and good luck! GO Carl!

Ryan, all I can say to begin with is wow! You and Tony deserve this chance. Wouldn’t it be sweet if Stewart Haas finished 1 and 2. What a punch that would be! But, who would be 1 and who would be 2? I know what you are thinkin’, sugar! Me too, but, you 2 have made this Chase somethin’ VERY special! Good luck and perhaps someday we can chat Granny to Champ! And BTW, dear, you look fabulous in the Gillette commercials. Especially the one where you are bald! Some men do look good bald! Know what I mean?. You probably don’t know which one I am talkin’ about here, but, Kasey wound up lookin’ like Clarabell! And you probably don’t know who that isI Do a search, honey. Youtube has it! Anyway, honey, I absolutely loved it, dear! That was pertnear a 4 star one if you ask me. Absolutely fabulous! Anyway you go get ‘em Ry and good luck!

Juan, honey, you pleasantly surprised me this season! No one can say you haven’t fit in. Well they can say it honey, but, who cares? Know what I mean? I must say I miss those Juicy Fruit commercials, though, dear. I know no one owns you or tells you what to do. You are definitely no one’s puppet, but, darlin’ you do look very handsome in yellow. And that yellow and black zebra in one of your commercials! Oh I like, honey! Know where I can get one like that? That would be such a money maker around here, I can tell you that right now! I tried to paint an old jackass I had out in the back lot to look like that, but, it just didn’t work out for him or me! It is a long and destructive story, believe me, dear! There are fines involved and I am not a wealthy woman! Anyway…make your “target” (there i go again bein’ so clever) the title and go for it, honeybunch! GO Juanie!!

And finally Greg, you rascal…I am so proud of you and I am just pure positive that good ol’ BP is lookin’ down and smilin’ and so are all the folks who watched you race in Tucson. I’ve been there a time or two in my younger years. It’s as hot there as the tamales I had on Prince Rd, but, what a great place to watch bull ring racin’. Truly enjoyable! Great work and a well deserved chance, Greg! I miss your commercials of last year, too, though! Those were so funny! Now listen, I am not one of those many people who subscribe to the popular belief that a racecar driver’s talent is measured by his commercials, however, I do so love to see you boys in real life situations like that! I guess you could do some with you, your crew chief and some ever strong 3M tape. Wrap that guy up and throw him in the back of the race car. Talk about live tech support! And I can testify to the strength, more or less, of that tape. Why that stuff held my barn together for quite a spell. I can tell you that right now. Of course all good things do come to an end. I just wish my neighbor hadn’t been in there when the blame thing came apart, but, how is a granny suppose to know? Anyway I truly do hold no ill feelings there. Ah well, dear, take that commercial suggestion to the bigwigs at 3M and see what they say. That just might be a profitable arrangement for us all, honey. Know what I mean? Anyway, darlin’, I know you will do everything in your power to get to the top! GO Biff!
Amazin’ gladiators these 12, aren’t they? Just a handsome and excitin’ bunch. It’s gettin’ a little warm in here again, so, I won’t pick a Champ prediction just yet, but, I do have a hopeful in mind which is not necessarily who I think will win. Fact is…it is gonna be tough, but, I wish them all good luck and safety!

Quickly now…the “Other Stuff” for this column includes Kyle Busch, yet again. Evie (one of my many readers and certain one of the most loyal), darlin’, I agree with you completely on this topic! Kyle seems to be coolin’ it for now. Good for him! And you are also correct about waitin’ to see how this plays out. And Elmie Ann, honey, you may be my late husband Elmer’s niece, but, dear, there is only one way to say this nicely. SHUT UP! What are you thinkin’? Just remember, dear…ugly in equals ugly out, and ugly’s got a hold of you right now, darlin’. How many times do we have to discuss this? There is a way to fix this, but, you won’t do it, so, next time you see me somewhere…DON’T. Know what I mean?

And fianally how about last week’s CWTS race at Gateway? Matt Crafton, with just 10 laps to go, managed to wreck and tick off Todd Bodine and Ron Hornaday, who are no light weights when miffed. Additionally Mattie Poo managed to get himself black flagged to boot, and wound up in 6th place. Mike Skinner was the winner ahead of Johnny “wild man” Sauter. Hey Matt, you said you can’t just “give it to them” but you didn’t get it yourself there son. Thing is, second is better than 6th and then you wouldn’t have 2 veterans ready to race you the same way you raced them. I’d be watchin’ my rear section if I were you, honey!. And my bumper, too! Know what I mean? Oh well. Let’s see what happens in New Hampshire on Saturday. Interestin’ to say the least!

That’s it for now folks. Keep your comments comin’ in. I will answer as time allows. Y’all know I am a busy woman, after all. Just somethin’ worthy of mention, however. I no longer share picklin’ recipes for free. It’s just not right.

Oh and Ida, dear, that hair brained idea of yours is not goin’ to work! What are you thinkin’ girl? You are way too old for that and it’s just not right! Shame on you! Just go home!

Well, fans…as George Jones would say, “The race is on and it looks like heartache” (for the eventual 11 non champs that is). Who’s your pick? Perhaps you should pick a back-up. Know what I mean? Until next time…..

Granny Grump

I will say this much, I did not think our B.S. Editor from this ridiculous, one page if we’re lucky, newspaper should have published that picture of me laid out like that in the emergency room, if you can call the old feed store buildin’ that. I mean, it still smells like hay and chicken feed and I am not at all sure that isn’t where I got the chicken itch to begin with when I was there with my pet rabbit Gordon (not for eatin but that’s a tale for another time and space’) last week, but, that’s neither here nor there.

Our veterinarian, Doc Mudd, did a bang up job of tryin’ to help me. I mean he really did, literally! See, we don’t have a true medical doctor around here, but, we do have good ol’ Doc Mudd. He is a genuine trusted member of our community and has treated nearly all of the animals and us humans around these here parts for years now. Anyway, I went in to his clinic/emergency room/old feed store buildin’ for some sort of immediate help cause I just didn’t feel right, if you know what I mean. Bernadette, his receptionist (and show off if you ask me) took me in the examinin’ room and told me to turn on my tummy and lift up the back of my shirt so as to expose the affected area. Doc came in, took one look and said, “Yep, it’s the chicken itch! I’ve got just the ointment for that,” so he reached for a jar on the shelf above me and the whole blamed thing fell on my head! Banged me up pretty good, I can tell you that right now.

Anyway, B. S. Editor was there lurkin’ around tryin’ to find some sort of note worthy news and heard me yellin’ and snapped a very unflatterin’ picture of me sprawled flat on my tummy, with powders, ointments and various medicinal thingies spilled all over and round about my body and with the affected area showin’ clearly. The title for the picture read “Local Writer Exposed!” How embarrassin’! I may sue his sleazy publication yet, but I did get some pretty nice get well cards, and a few not so nice ones, if you know what I mean. I don’t want to appear like you know who but.I do know which card you sent Walter (behind the meat counter) just so you know and you will pay dearly for that, I can tell you that right now. I will say this much, however, I will be glad when cool weather comes. These here summer months have not been good to me at all this year! My Vegas trip was only supposed to be for a few days (even though I did meet some precious young ladies) and now this! It has delayed my yearly picklin efforts immensely. It is just frustratin’! Why, it has set me back a good month or more in every one of my important efforts, and I am a very busy (or should be) woman! Know what I mean?

Anyway, let’s get to the real meat of this meal and that is racin’. First up is, ever present in my columns, young Mr. Busch. Sometimes I want to say ,”Will the REAL Kyle get out of that car.” Sometimes my head feels like it’s spinnin’ when I am referrin’ to him. Sometimes sweet, sometimes not, sometimes cold, sometimes hot. (That was so clever of me if you know what I mean) Like good ol’ Forrest says…”you never know what you’re gonna get” with this boy! Am I by myself here? I don’t think so, but that is neither here nor there. First I think I need to explain somethin. I think this young whipper snapper is an amazin’ talent. Amazin’!!! He is! No one with any amount of workin’ brain matter can dispute that fact, so, it isn’t his drivin’ abilities that sticks in my craw. It’s his other on track or in front of the camera behavior that gets my goat, not that this matters to anyone other than Kyle Busch fans, who happen to be some of my loyal readers (and you know who you are). I think it’s his “better than butter” attitude that makes me hotter than usual! When things head to the shed for that boy, it is always someone else’s fault. Look, truth be told some of that stuff he says is accurate, but, geez Louise, boy…this is racin’ you are involved in! The 3 R’s apply here and always have, sugar! Racin’ (is) ‘rubbin’ or reckin’ (or both). Anyway, I read an article on the Internet before the electricity in our town went out for 3 full days, which is yet another story for another time and space but you have never seen as big a “cook out” as we had here, let me tell you that right now with rabbit, squirrel, some, but not too much chicken, pickled pigs feet, peppered parsnips galore so as not to let good food go to waste, and so much MORE, of course. (After all food is money and visa versa.) Anyway, the article asked if Busch was a changed man. Answer is of course not! The article also leans towards the fact that he is a pleasant peasant when he wins and a ticked off tookie when he loses. Understandable! It is how he is a ticked off tookie that curdles my milk. Know what I mean? Be mad when you lose or get wrecked. Go ahead, but, just remember when you are so busy blamin’ everyone else for your racin’ woes, honey, those someone elses are busy publicly laughin’ at you, quite possibly. And frankly young man, some people say you are a very, very funny guy this season. Know what I mean? All that said…congratulations on your Bristol win. You did an awesome job there young’un! And if there is another win of yours I missed during these tryin’ times of mine, well, blame it on our town’s extention cord burnin’ out. Good job there Stump or Shrub. I never seem to get your nickname right, but, that is neither here nor there.

And as for flippin’ (meant in the sweetest way possible) Carl Edwards, well darlin’ you were just wonderful up there in that foreign country. You just did a great job. Congrats on your win! Of course you have an open invitation here at my house, honey! We can eat, discuss your career, eat again, talk, whatever darlin’. Anytime. I mean that!

As for Marcos Ambrose. Honey, I sure am sorry you didn’t win. But there can only be one, as they say. Next year has your name on it. I’d bet my left shoe on that! You are one of those drivers I think Kyle Busch was reversely referrin’ to when he was talking about who didn’t deserve to win. Does that make sense? In other words, you should have won. Mercy! I still have a bit of a headache. Anyway, great job sweetie! I love your accent, by the way. Reminds me of Burney Potts, our used to be race reporter for this one page if we’re lucky newpaper. He wasn’t born in Australia. He was born and bred right here in the good ol’ USA, but, he got his head caught in a beehive one time (a long and often misrepresented story which is neither here nor there) and those stingin’ suckers stung the heck out of his tongue and he just never recovered completely. Some rude people in our town have called him Beehive Burney, or B.B.P. Obviouly, some people can be rude and thoughtless and our little town seems to have plenty of them, I can tell you that right now, but, as you can tell, that’s just neither here nor there.

So, that’s it for now my loyal readers and you other folks. I am just plum tuckered out! Sorry for any email I missed, but, no electricity = no email and when I did have electricity I was busy scratchin’ my, uh, back. I’ll try to make up for it when time allows. Go ahead, send me your comments and/or complaints. Let’s keep it clean though. Ok? And remember I will try to stay current on my answerin’s but do remember, if you will, that I am goin’ back to bein’ a very busy woman. Know what I mean?

Granny Grump

Anyway, I’ll try to shorten my Vegas run down and give you the REAL story and not that lengthy junk on BS’s main page. The bus trip was nice enough. When we got there, I went straight to this little old, and I mean old, casino there. I was losing, but, I pretty much expected that to happen for awhile until I got my rhythm goin’. All of a sudden some drunken ding dong of a man bumped into my chair and spilled my cup of nickels all over the floor, so, I started yellin’ at him and got down on my hands and knees to pick them up. Out of nowhere came this tubby woman who sat down at my machine and put in some nickels and won $100 on her first spin. That was my machine and my $100, so, I kicked her chair and started beatin’ on the machine and callin’ her less than desirable names! Seems like a fair and normal reaction. Right? Well I was escorted outside where I realized I left my purse on the floor by my machine. Those idiot security ninken poops wouldn’t let me go back in and get it! What was I supposed to do?

There were very friendly women out there on the street corners smilin’ and talkin’ to people in cars passin’ by, so, I went over there by them thinkin’ they might give me some help, bein’ that they were so friendly and all. Then, all of a sudden police cars were everywhere and they loaded the lot of us up and off we went to the hoose gow. They explained we were bein’ arrested for, well, bein’ ladies of the night. Can you believe that? At first I was so mad, then I was a little flattered, then I got REAL mad. I had no money to call anyone and who would I call? I didn’t know anyone. Honestly, I didn’t want to know anyone, but, a real sweet cell mate of mine, by the curious name of Candy Cane, paid my pokey tab and took me home with her. I was so grateful. Bless her heart. She said to make myself at home and that she would be right back, but I fell fast asleep on her bright red divan waitin’ for her to get back. I was so tuckered out I didn’t even wake up til noon when she finally got home. I thought I would make her breakfast, but, she wanted lunch instead, so, I went through her refrigerator and cabinets and found enough stuff to whip up some delicious canned chicken salad that we ate on fried corn cakes. Lordie that was tastie and fillin’. We both felt like we were gonna to pop, but, that’s neither here nor there. She, some of her friends and I became quite close. I had no money to leave, so, the girls took me grocery shoppin’ a lot and I cooked for ‘em, and kept a tidy home for Candy. They didn’t ask what the food was after the second day and I didn’t offer it up. They just ate it and liked it, I can tell you that right now. Did my heart a world of good to see those girls put some meat on their bones. I truly was havin’ a good time and they seemed real interested and amused in my stories about me and my late husband Elmer’s many years together. Sweet girls they all were, even the one with the deep voice who was a bit masculine.

Anyway, I stayed with Candy until just a few days ago. I told them all I really needed to get home. They all got together and bought me a bus ticket because I absolutely refused to fly. I told them if the good Lord intended for people to fly they would see feather’s on this rear. They just laughed, talked about some showgirls they know who really did have feathers on their rears and promptly put me on the bus. So, here I am and that is the whole (for the most part) and true story! Don’t believe that junk on BS’s foolish front page, please! He’s what I call a nasty ol’ pig and a grandstander! Candy and the girls said I could come visit ‘em anytime and I just might take ‘em up on that someday, but, I can’t stay that long next time. No how, no way. I’m much too much of a very busy woman, ya know.

Now for NASCAR. I truly didn’t have time to watch racin’ while I was out west, so, I sure enjoyed watchin’ last weekend, I can tell ya that right now. I got online and read up on some stuff so I wouldn’t feel too far from the fruit. Know what I mean? So here’s my short on what I read and saw.

First off, Kyle Busch, yet again. Now, Kyle, this is gettin’ to be ridiculous, honey. Who in the world do you think you are decidin’ who deserves to win what, when and where? Look darlin’, you are a talented driver, no doubt about it, but if things don’t go your way, you are like petting a bobcat. Cute, unpredictable and as mean as you can be. A good friend of mine, who just happens to know what he’s talkin’ about, said Coach Joe needs to take you out behind the shed. That’s a good one Mark, honey, and right, let me tell you that right now. Listen up, Kyle. You are one driver among quite a few whose on track numbers vary between the different series. It appears you have managed, over your short time racin’, to tick off a good many of ‘em in all 3 series. Given a little more time you will have managed to tick off ALL of ‘em, their owners and team members, honey. You better get a grip! And you are right. People are callin’ you a cry baby because YOU ARE! Your mama needs to yank you up real quick little boy. After all, son, racin’ made you, you didn’t make racin’. Know what I mean? Racin’ has always been full of bad boys and it always will be. It needs them, but, honey, you aren’t really bad. Thing is you need to be a certain kind of bad for it to really “work”. And Your “bad” ain’t workin’, honey. Listen, those nice big paychecks come and go. There are a lot of “used to be’s” for you to ask, in case you don’t agree with that statement. You better work on growin’ up, silly stump, because there are a lot of talented wanna be’s out there just waitin’ for one of those great team seats, like yours, to become available! Know what I mean? Enough said until next time (again)!

Next up, Brian Vickers. Well, honey you made big news twice this weekend, didn’t ya? You almost whipped the nasty right off that stump on Saturday! Would have done my heart a world of good if you had, I can tell you that much right now. And when you didn’t quite get it done on the track, you almost got a second chance, same day, when he came over there, stuck his whiney face in your car, mouthed off, dented your fender and ran away like a little cry baby sissy. You are so right, dear, it was not the Kyle Busch show Saturday or, for that matter, Sunday. When you won on Sunday that was just what I call “pure fittin’”. I also call it a whole lot of yippie! Well that and money! Bet he is still whinin’. What do you think? I like your quiet determination, Brian, honey. Reminds me of my late husband Elmer. That man was amazin’ too! I have so many stories of his quiet determination ways. Of course some of that got him into some trouble, but, this here writin’ is gettin’ long and none of that is neither here nor there, so, CONGRATS Brian, sweetie. Bet Clyde is one proud papa!

And now for young, sweet, talented and cute Brad Keselowski. Now Brad, honey, that win was just plain fantastic. That looked like somethin’ your owner’s dad used to do again and again. I just can’t think of anyone who would do better in that 88 Nationwide car. You are gonna be big, darlin’. What am I sayin’? You ARE big, sweetness! 3rd in the points in the Nationwide Series behind knuckle head Kyle and cutie Carl . So here’s my wish, honey, I want you and Carl to go after that little booger. Ok? Granny is pullin’ for y’all. You 2 have 12 races left to get him in one way or another. Know what I mean? Hope you are still celebratin’! I would be…cold, hard pomegranate cider and buckets of country crusted chicken! Now that’s a party, but, that’s neither here nor there.

And now for Mr.Hornaday. Well, well, Ronald, you 5 in a row winnin’ rascal, you! You know 50 year old racers, or there abouts, do look good in Victory Lane, honey! You are still one heck of a kick bohunkus driver, aren’t ya? Does my heart so much good, Ron, darlin’! Lord how I do love to watch a good “seasoned” driver race. Reminds me of the time my late husband Elmer, occasional racer, was asked to substitute for local racin’ legend Speedin’ Sam Sherman. Reason is Sam got drunk, so the questionable story goes, and crawled into a dryer at the open all night laundry mat in 1964. Someone put in 3 nickels and that poor man tumbled around all night long. After that they called him Shakin’ Sam Sherman. Amazingly Elmer won that race. He finished it in his bare feet after that horrible wreck, however, it did count, cause no one else thought to do it and he crossed the finish pole first, but, that’s neither here nor there. You know, Ron, sugar pie, you and Mark should give me a call and let’s just sit and talk about this. That would sure fix these nosey old bitties in this town, not that I care about that kind of stuff, you understand. It’s just that somethin’ like that could place me main page, yet again, on this pitiful, but the only one we have, newspaper and paint me in a positive light for a change. I can cook for us, dear. I will prepare a whole new menu for you and Markie. Somethin’ special and different from the other menu certain other drivers have chosen to rudely ignore. I do make a wonderful squirrel stew. Add some watermelon rinds with vinegar and chunked brown onions and some fresh fried parsnip bread (none of that day old stuff for you two) and we can talk for a long time. Of course your wives are invited, but, I doubt seriously if their cookin’ can compare and I do not share recipes, so, maybe you should leave them at home. I am just thinkin’ of their own well bein’, dearies. Know what I mean? Just let me know!

And finally, under the “Possibly Other stuff” category, I was just so excited for JR. That precious young man was just awesome on Sunday, finishin’ an impressive 3rd. Now for all you “nation” haters, y’all calm down right now, I can like who I want if you can hate who you want. Understand? This sport has enough room for all of us! This young man is not only Dale Sr’s son, but, he took on Teresa, the media, his sponsors and every racin’ naysayin’ nitwit to do what he felt he had to do. What’s not to love, anyway? And y’all know perfectly well he is as talented as he can be. That’s just fact! Yes, this is a slow season for him, obviously, but when his “get goin” gets goin’, it’s open the gate honey cause the bulls are comin’ home! And I know y’all know what I mean!

Well, that’s it for now, grannygrumpers. I am still just worn to a frazzle, I can tell you all that much right now. But I’ll perk up soon enough. I am goin’ go have a tall glass of butterflake butter milk with day old yellow corn bread, put my feet up and watch Judge Judy. She sure could teach Judge Dorcus a thing or a hundred. Know what I mean? I am so sorry for not answerin’ any of my many emails while I was gone, but it appears Candy Cane just doesn’t blog, tweet or anything online. I did go through a type of withdrawal, I believe. Reminds me a little of the time ol’ “Pigman Paulsen” got hooked on those wild country mushrooms. A bunch of town folk had to tie that man down to keep him from rootin’ in their yards. Oh course the Vegas girls didn’t have to tie me down any. They just had me cook for ‘em. Now that is therapy in it’s tastiest form, no doubt about it! So, go ahead and send your comments or questions. And remember, I give great picklin’ recipes, good love life advice, and now first hand slot machine experience advice. I’ll get to the emails as soon as I can, but, remember now, I am a busy woman.

P.S.
BS, you pathetic ol’ “Daily Editor”, check this out. This here writin’ is longer than your whole newspaper, so, stick that in your pot and cook it!

Granny Grump

First off Mark Martin. I do believe we’ve covered that subject previously, but, a short refresher course is warranted in my “this here is my column” opinion. Well that and the fact that the man won Saturday night at Chicago. Did my heart a world of good, I’ll tell you that right now. That man reminds me of someone special from my past, ya know, but I won’t go there again at this time. But listen up loyal readers and those who may be newbies, that man has 4 wins this season. 4! More than any other driver. Of course Tony sits 1st in the points standings, which is a wonderful thing, but I still just wonder (and no one answered me the last time I asked so help me here someone) if Mark won this or any other future year’s Cup championship, would he be the oldest driver ever to win a Cup Championship title? Wouldn’t bother me one little bit, I’ll tell you that right now. Of course that Tony is just so adorable so he could win another as far as I am concerned. Have you seen his commercial with the girl wrapped tightly around his waist and kissin’ his whole face over and over and over again? Oh to be a young woman again, but, alas it is just not meant to be, unless of course your name is Benjamin Buttons, but, then again, I want to be young as in 25…not some diaper wearin’, spittin’ up baby for cryin’ out loud. Oh well, sometimes life could be a bit on the better side. Know what I mean ? Anyway, that is neither here nor there either, but it sure is note worthy. Frankly I wish several drivers I find, uh facinatin’, great luck such as dear Mark and Tony. Now, wait a minute. I should invite Mark for a sit down dinner, too. My bad! Same offer as I gave Tony, Mark…rabbit and dumplins, buttermilk cornbread, pickled corn and shelley beans, dear. Of course, you both could come at the same time. We can eat, talk and party way in to the night, I mean, talk racin’ way in to the night. Know what I mean? Ya’ll call me now, hear? It’s an open invite.

Next up Kurt Busch, better known as this weeks “Cry Baby Award Winner”. Might ought to make that a regular part of my column every week. I’ll think on it some. Anyway, Kurt dear, Jimmie got loose when Jeffie passed him. He drifted up into you, Kurtness. It was not intentional, as far as I could see. And who in the devil made you the big stuff who decides who has the “ability to be a three-time champion on the track” anyway? Hello there Mr. “I sure showed everyone how important I am in Phoenix a few years ago.” And while that really doesn’t have anything to do with this particular event, it does show a penchant you have for shootin’ off your mouth before thinkin’ much, now doesn’t it? Here is a mathematical fact for ya, Kurt, honey. Jimmie curently and definitely has the “ability to be a three-time champion on the track”, because, dear, HE IS! Now here is another mathematical fact for you, sweetie. You currently have the ability to be a “one time champion on the track”. That amounts to you bein’ a “1/3 as much as Jimmie Johnson champion on the track”, Kurtie dear. Well that and you’re a sore loser. Listen honey, stinky stuff happens sometimes. Why not show everyone what you are really made of and stop this cry baby stuff. It’s just down right ugly. Might do your little brother a bit of good to see how takin’ it like a man is done, too. Sure couldn’t hurt, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean don’t ya? Anyway, it’s just a suggestion Kurt, so end of discussion, until next time, of course.

Now for Jimmie. I pretty much covered him already, too. That whole incident was a racin’ deal. But Jimmie does remind me so much of a young man I knew many years ago by the strange name of Asterick. Apparently his mother mistakenly thought she had seen that name in the bible, but, she remembered after it was already on the birth certificate and too late to change it, that it was the dictionary where she read it. I just called him Rick so as not to embarrass him like most of those cruel boys around there did. You know how some young people can be. I’m not tryin’ to be’ ugly here, but, some of them just called him As (pronounced you know how)!. Mean nasty spirited things! I don’t know why I am tellin’ you this. I guess it’s just because Jimmie reminds me so much of Asterick. He was so good lookin’ that I truly believe he could have been the next James Dean, but sadly he met an untimely end, bless his heart, tryin’ to out run he law, just for fun I am told. He lost control of his ‘48 Chevrolet, I think it was, and crashed straight through the wall of our local library. They tell me he ended on the aisle with, can you believe this, the dictionaries! Very tragic story, but that’s neither here nor there. RIP Rickie honey. End of discussion.

Next up accordin’ to the title of this article is a million dollars. Congratulations all over the place to a couple by the name of Musgrave. They’re from Colorado apparently. How nice for them! They picked Mark and Jeffie to place 1st and 2nd and they did. Now, here is somethin’ nice to think about, rich people from Colorado…if you are (or even if you aren’t) related to Ted Musgrave, why not give that boy the money to run a GOOD car in Cup, just for the hell of it.(not a bad word any more accordin’ to several sources) That would just do my heart a world of good, I’ll tell you that much right now. It sure would be nice to give him one last Cup hurrah. Know what I mean? I’m tryin’ to have your back, Teddie. Hope that works out, dear. Give me a call anytime, honey, and we can discuss it. Maybe we can do dinner or somethin’, too. Later if and when you like, sweetums. I do so love that man’s smile. Lord have mercy!

As for the “other stuff”, well, I’m tired now so that will have to wait until next time. I think rememberin’ poor handsome Asterick took somethin’ major out of me for today. All of that sort of reminds me of another guy with a strange name in our town. His last name was Tables, but, we may discuss him at a later date if the occasion arises. We’re not proud of this bad one around these parts. You’ve probably read about him, anyway. He was in the news a lot quite awhile back, but, I’ve shared enough tragic tales for this writin’, anyway. Thanks again loyal readers for the comments and emails. Annabelle, dear, again I am so very sorry for the mixup. I didn’t mean to send my response for you to your husband. I would almost never do that on purpose, sweetie, but, perhaps it is better to let him know when you win at Bingo next time. After all Annabelle, that man has worked hard his whole life to support your skanky ol’ self and deserves a penny or two to spend on some fun of his own instead of all your bills, dear. Know what I mean? Keep the email comin’ folks, but, give me appropriate time to answer. I’m a busy woman, as many of y’all know and remember I do real good love advice and picklin’ recipes, but, I truly do just stink when it comes to keepin’ dirty little secrets. Huh, Annabelle?

‘Til next time, go, go go!

Granny Grump

First off I sure blew it about pickin’ Jr to win, didn’t I? That’s doggone Daytona for ya! At least it’s over now. That place confuses me a bit, I’ll tell you that right now . I get all excited and anxious when it’s time for the guys to go there, anticipatin’ the speed and action. And then I spend most of the time in front of the TV, with the exception of potty breaks and food fixin’, yellin’ and havin’ a regular coniption fit. Now, for those of you who don’t know what that is, and for those of you who do but didn’t know it has a written out definition, go to urbandictionary.com. But, just a word of warnin”, some of the definitions have bad words in them. Let’s just say, in my case, a coniption fit isn’t what I want to be remembered for when I leave this earth. Ok? Anyway, this weekend at Daytona seemed especially excitin’ and aggravatin’. If I felt that way can you imagine how those guys felt? Some of those cars just need to be hauled off to the car crusher-upper. Know what I mean? That reminds me of the time my late husband Elmer went drinkin’ and passed out in his Edsel. My brother Jethro owned a tow truck and well, let’s just say Elmer was a real good boy until Jethro up and moved to Memphis suddenly. Nobody would ever tell me why and his ex-girlfriend ain’t talkin’ to me, excuse me, isn’t talkin’ to me. I do have my suspicions, but, that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway I sure am as happy as I can be that the boys are all ok. I imagine Kyle Busch and Kasey Kahne are a little bunged up, but at least everyone survived and walked away! More on these two later. I want to start off with Tony. As you know, Tony won. Yes, it was a controversial win, but, he did win and I personally didn’t see one cotton pickin’ thing wrong with it. It’s Daytona people! And I am just so impressed with Tony’s performance. 2 wins for a brand spankin’ new team that he owns! That’s shoutin’ from the rooftops stuff there, folks! Does my heart a world of good, let me tell you. Walter from the meat counter and I had a round or two over that subject durin’ the off season. He said some unflatterin’ things about Tony’s decision to leave Coach Joe and I just wasn’t about to let that pass. I like Tony and his scruffy beard, as I’ve said before and Lordie how that boy can drive!. Anyway, Walter made me mad sayin’ stupid stuff about Tony so I whipped up on him with the brisket he had just wrapped up for me. Course they called Floyd, our Deputy. He did take me away, but, no charges were filed, that time, at least. Judge said he couldn’t understand Floyd anyway cause he was laughin’ so hard and Walter was nursin’ a black brisket eye and he didn’t even show up, so, it was what it was and I was a free woman with a somewhat more tarnished reputation, as if I really cared. I just don’t get physical like that much anymore …takes too much out of me. Know what I mean? Anyway, I am just sure there were many folks out there who were shocked at the statements Tony made in Victory Lane, not wantin’ to win that way and all. Barney, my neighbor said that couldn’t really be Tony sayin’ that stuff. He said NASCAR must have brought in a ringer to keep the masses calm, but, Barney’s a ding dong! Personally, I do understand Smokie’s thoughts, but, that place is well known for that kind of thing, Tony. You go ask Bobby, Cale or King Richard, honey. They’ll tell ya. Heck, that mess of mangled sheet metal may not be cleared away yet! I’m exaggeratin’, but, you know what I mean! Listen Tony darlin’, Kyle tried to block you, honey. That’s exactly what happened. It’s right there on my VHS tape if you want to see it anytime. I’ll make us dinner, dear, maybe rabbit and dumplins (that has a much better flavor than chicken), shelley beans, pickled corn and buttermilk cornbread. How’s that sound? Oh, I know, but, nothin’s too good for you, honey. I do want you to enjoy yourself! We can make an evenin’ of it, so, just let me know. That’s an open invite.

Lord have mercy it’s hot in here! Break time!

Ok, I’m back. Nothin’ like a good ice cold glass of buttermilk to calm, I mean cool a person down. Mercy sakes alive! And now for Kyle, the fans and Kasey Kahne, who I didn’t list in the title cause it was gettin’ a bit long.

Listen here now, I was impressed with the fact that Kyle had no comment followin’ that last lap meley right near the finish line and the end of the race that he didn’t win. Maybe he is settlin’ down a bit like Tony. I said, maybe! I am willin’ to give him the benefit of the doubt, however. He deserves an atta boy when it’s fittin’. Know what I mean? I am proud of him. Besides, he’ll most likely make up for it next week. Anyway, Kyle, good for you, dear. I’m quite taken with your silence. Keep up the good work, Stump! There was a song some time ago, Silence Is Golden. I loved that song. I don’t remember who sung it, but, it was just a real nice song. Your no comment moments made me think about that! You didn’t win, but, you did good with your attitude, so that’s pretty much the end of this discussion…until next time, of course.

And I also read the comments here and there from some fans who actually said that Kyle’s wreck and loss of the race couldn’t have happened to a more deservin’ guy. Now look here, that is just ugly any way you look at it. Any wreck can seriously injure a driver. This sport has gotten much safer than it used to be, that is true, but nothin’ is ever for certain. Y’all know that!. Shame on you! Besides the possibility of harm, there is the loss of equipment, money and a lot of hard work. That hurts everyone on the team. Again, shame on you for sayin’ stupid, hurtful things! Grow up or go watch WWE or both. Perhaps that stuff would be more to your likin’. Absolutely end of that discussion!.

That last lap mess was really somethin’, wasn’t it? A good bunch of cars were torn up, I’ll tell you that right now. One of the scariest ones was Kasey Kahne’s. Why that boy run right up underneath Kyle. He just had nowhere else to go! Had to have scared him half to pieces. He couldn’t see a thing, I’m sure. I can pretty much understand that part. I remember one time way back when my late husband Elmer and I were on a nice Sunday drive. He got a little fresh with me, if you know what I mean, so I whacked him up side his head with my pocket book. He temporarily lost his grip on the steerin’ wheel and we ran up over the curb and in to Preacher Adkin’s back yard and right into the clothes hangin’ on the line. We couldn’t see a thing! We only paused long enough to yank some of the laundry off the car and off we went like a bat outta hell. That’s not a bad word anymore either, by the way! Anyway, we did wind up with a couple of towels and a sheet that way, so that was nice, and Elmer learned a good lesson out of it, but, enough is enough, so back to Kasey. I am so glad that little cutie is ok. I just really like that young man. I have to be honest, though. I can’t stand his commercials. Why every one of those women are old enough to be his mother! That’s just ugly! Those gals need to take a more wholesome, motherly approach to younger men as I do! End of discussion!

And finally I want to really thank everyone for writin’ and commentin’. Well almost everyone. There is a certain element in our town who pretty much think they know more than I do about racin’. One in particular runs the barber shop and gets his information second hand, as far as I can tell. Well that and he stands outside other people’s houses on Sundays peerin’ through their windows watchin’ the race on their cable, cheap old fool! It just burns his hide that a woman can out talk him on any subject let alone racin’. My daddy use to run shine in Kentucky a long, long time ago, so Gene plain can’t make any of that foolish stuff stick. I got the need for speed a long time before it was ever legal for Pete’s sake! That’s a fact! Just get used to it, Gene, and sweep that floor more often! Dear Lord that’s ugly, man. And take down that picture of you with that Dolly Parton look alike you had blown up to life size! And that sayin’ you had printed on it about things not growin’ in the shade, well shame on you you nasty ol’ bald fool! Good God in heaven, that’s just plain un-natural, Gene! Know what I mean?

Well, I’m just plum tuckered out, it seems. It’s time for Judge Judy anyway, so, that’s it for now, I guess. Write if you like, allowin’ me adequate answerin’ time because I am a very busy woman and remember I give great love life advice and good picklin’ recipes, too. ‘

Til next time. Go, go, go!

Granny Grump

Well, first I must apologize to my many readers for not writin’ in awhile, but, I have just been a little “out of sorts”, so to speak. (Yes, Sarah May, Correctol helped. Thanks so much for the suggestion, honey.)

Anyway, now to the task at hand. First up Joey Logano. Lord have mercy that little guy won New Hampshire! Does my heart a world of good, I can tell you that. I like that boy. He just has the cutest wide smile. Reminds me a lot of a big Petty smile! Who wouldn’t love that? Also reminds me a lot of the big smile my late husband Elmer had. I always secretly wondered if he was related somehow to that racin’ clan. It wasn’t just his smile that made me wonder. Elmer could drive a car fast too! I do know that. I remember one time years ago, when I saw his car parked in front of a house in a seedy part of town. I knocked on the door to see if and why he was there and the next thing I knew he was running lickety split out the back door, jumped in his car and took off like his rear was on fire or somethin’. Later I found out he had delivered some groceries on his lunch hour to an old woman that lived there and he was late gettin’ back to work. I told him the woman I saw peekin’ out the window didn’t look like any old woman I ever saw, but, he said that was most likely her grand daughter. Whatever! Sweet Elmer was always goin’ over there and helpin’ the less fortunate women in that part of town, but, that’s neither here nor there. Anyway back to the subject at hand, young Logano. Be honest now, we all knew this young man could do it! He drives for Coach Joe, for Pete’s sake. Do you realize that boy is officially the youngest race winner in NASCAR history? He is and that’s a fact! Why I was so happy that it just tickled me pink! (Yes, Charlotte…tickled me PINK! OMG! You know what that means. Right?) I am a bit upset, however, with a number of things I have heard and read that people have said about his win. Yes, it was a rain shortened win but it counts people! You Jeff Gordon fans will just have deal with it. Perhaps things would have been different had the rain stayed away. That’s what Walter behind the meat counter was all bent about. No, I mean he really was bent…bent over. He said he jumped up to yell at the TV when they called the race and hadn’t been able to straighten up since. Crazy old fool! Perhaps things would have been different had the rain stayed away. That’s what Walter says and that’s what Noah (you know, Noah of the Ark) said too, and no I was not there. That’s just a funny sayin’. Get it? Anyway, the rain came and it is what it is. Joey won, Jeff didn’t. End of discussion.

Now about Jeremy Mayfield. Accordin’ to the latest reports, Jeremy has one foot out of the NASCAR hot water. Apparently a Federal Judge has lifted the suspension NASCAR gave Jeremy when they say he tested positive for a certain drug. Now I don’t know much about this kind of stuff at all. All I do know is you can not let those guys get in a car all wired up and try to drive 200 mph. That just makes sense for Heaven’s sake. You can argue the fact all day long, but, it just isn’t safe. Period. Jeremy must have said something that made sense to the judge because he has the right, if I understand it correctly, to show up at Daytona by Thursday. I am excited for him. I like Jeremy. I don’t like his old commercials though. Remember that little skinny girl yellin’ “Hey Jeremy” and jumpin’ in his car? Why I just wanted to whip her behind and lock her in her room. Mercy, but, those are old commercials thank God and that is neither here nor there. But, Jeremy I’m glad you have another chance, honey. Do what you have to do to prove your innocence and be done with it. Ok? Lord help you, boy, if you have only put one hand on the table. That’s a real good way to get the other one hurt real bad. I’m not doubtin’ you, honey. I like you as I said. Just be good, stay good and go racin’. End of discussion, for now at least.

And now about Taylor Nicole Earnhardt. We haven’t heard much about her at all since her famous daddy passed away. That’s as it should be, I guess. A couple of days ago it was announced that she would drive her daddy’s #3 Chevy in the Festival of Speed in England. Now I will be honest with you, I don’t pay a lot of attention to the goin’ ons with the Brits.(I do like Simon Cowell a lot though). Frankly, the thought of blue blood…royal blood better’an anybody elses makes my plain old red American blood BOIL frankly, but I guess that’s neither here nor there. But you throw the Earnhardt name in the mix and I am gonna stop, look and listen up a bit. There are so many folks raisin’ all kinds of hell (that’s not a bad word anymore accordin’ to several sources) about her drivin’ Dale, Sr’s car. Some say Jr should. Some say no one should, but, truth is folks…it ain’t your call! As if! (I’ve been waitin’ to say that again.) Look, I have been known to be wrong once in awhile, but, Dale, Sr, in my opinion, would love for any one of his kids to drive his car. I’m not gonna get in a long discussion about Teresa, DEI or what I think about any of that. Furthermore, I’m not even remotely interested in your thoughts on that either. I’m not bein’ mean, child. I am just bein’ honest. It isn’t a Cup race, folks. It’s a festival in a foreign land for Pete’s sake. And I don’t think most of those people mouthin’ off about it even read the whole article anyway. They just saw #3 car and Taylor Nicole and went off the deep end. Get a grip and get over it. Fact is, there isn’t anything any of you can do about it anyway. But she sure looked a lot like her daddy leanin’ against that car, didn’t she? Did my heart a world of good to see her like that, I’ll tell you. Anyway, end of discussion for now I guess, but, I’m sure some of you will still chat it up.

As for the “Other Stuff” in my title, well I guess I’ll relate that to the next race. Daytona is next, ya know. Oh how I love Daytona. That place always thrills and chills me, not necessarily in that order. I think I’ll just stop there before I say somethin’ that I will regret. I guess I’ll just come right out and say it…I pick Jr for the win. Yep…he knows how to do it so that is that. Enough said. You all can write if you like., just make sure to give me plenty of time to write back. I am a very busy woman. As for you Mavis, don’t make me tell you again. You know what I’m talkin’ about girl. And Priscilla, thanks for takin’ my love life advice seriously, honey. Kick him to the curb. It’s like that movie, dear. He’s just not in to you. Well that and he’s 80 dear. Think younger… that relates to longer SSI benefits. Know what I mean?

‘Til next time. Go, go, go!

Granny Grump

That brings me to one of the reasons for this particular writin’. Did you read or see that ramblin’ nonsense Kyle was spewin’ to reporters about his smashin’ that guitar? Just answer the question boy. Why go after JR’s fans? What in the world did they have to do with it’? It’s about you boy and your bad behavior. And then when people ask you a direct question you try to throw the attention on somethin’ else? You are a talented young man, no doubt about that Kyle, but you keep this stuff up and some of those drivers just might make a stump out of a busch. Know what I mean? Your actions show a real lack of appreciation for most anythin’. You better value these good things while you can young man. Before you know it that glory will fade. It will sure enough and most all of your tomorrows will be “remember when” days. Grow up and face up while you still can. There just isn’t anythin’ much worse that a mean old man with bad manners and an attitude to boot. Believe me, I know. There are a bunch of those who sit outside the barber shop, which is funny cause a good deal of ‘em have no hair and while I do so love a bald head, none of that is neither here nor there. It is an example though. Glory fades, boy, and forgetfulness, yours and everyone else’s, as well, sets in. You better think about it and learn from it while you still can. I’m very sure that was a waste of brain workin’s and typed space, but, it is what it is..

Now, a little more about Mark. Well I just love that name first off. I had a suitor way back when by the name of Mark. He had the cutest laugh, I do remember that and when he smiled, oh my goodness! Anyway, Mark Martin can still drive the wheels off that car. Lord have mercy! Just does my heart a world of good to watch him out there and he has the cutest smile, much like my long ago Mark. But I do know that that’s neither here nor there neither, but, it sure tickles me in the nicest way. And I just catch myself daydreamin’ about Mark winnin’ a championship. I don’t know and have no idea how to find out but if he manages to do that would he hold some record for oldest winnin’ champ? Perhaps someone will email me the answer. I am hintin’ in case you can’t tell.

And lastly I reckon we should discuss Digger. I guess there are a lot of older people I just can’t seem to get to relate to racin’. I mean for heaven’s sake grass growing and rockin’ chairs are so time consumin’ that some of our “senior citizens” just can’t fit anything else in their busy schedules. As if ! I just love that sayin’. It sure sounds better when someone with a seasoned sense of propriety says it though. But somehow, someway some of those old women have lost their everlovin’ minds over Digger. Come on racin’ booth people. Digger? It isn’t real folks. What else can you say. I mean, we have been forced to watch this little animiated rat of a thing with a female rat of a thing picnicin’ in the infield and then bein’ chased by a bigger fat rat of a thing. And some people just eat that up. CYBT? (That’s shortenin’ for can you believe that?) Now look, it’s cute to see him pop up when the cars speed by and that look on his face reminds me of the scared look on my late husband Elmer’s face when I caught him sleep walkin’ next door in Wilma’s house late one night, but, that’s neither here nor there. But enough is enough. Point is, if I’m gonna spend good money on a racin’ related t-shirt, it’s gonna be for someone or somethin’ other than Digger (or Kyle Busch). I’m sorry Darrell, honey, but I just can’t see it. You put out a copy of that t-shirt someone gave you at Fontana a few years ago with Route 66 (them were the good ol’ days) and somebody loves you on it or somethin’ like that and I just might part with a buck or two, but, I just can’t buy a rat shirt. Either rat, Darrell darlin’. Seems un-natural somehow. Work on that suggestion will ya sweetie?

Well, that’s about it for now. Email was slow this week. It don’t much matter. I have a lot of important things to do, but, just in case you feel like writin’ (and I also give good love life advice) feel free to send your comments and/or questions to grannygrump@catchfence.com

Granny Grump

Anyway let me get to the task at hand. First off I just think it is excitin’ that Matt Kennseth (not Kennthes as one Fox announcer says. It is Kenn seth, say it slowly with me, Kenn seth). and his pretty little wife Katie are expecting their first child together just very, very soon. Oh how wonderful, Mattie, honey. I just know this baby will be absolutely precious. Your wife is a pretty little thing and you have such a cute smile and that dimple, of sorts, in your chin. That baby will be a looker, let me tell you. You know I feel a chin like that makes a man look distinguished. My late husband Elmer had a chin like that which is neither here nor there. Anyway, congratulations to you and your wife, early though it may be, honey. By the way, I loved those robot commercials of yours. Are ya’ll planning on bringin’ those back any time soon? I’d love to have the scoop on that if you can tell me. Not that that is neither here nor there neither, but, I would feel so honored.

Another point of interest that falls under the “other stuff” category is that double file restart business. It actually doesn’t mean much to me one way or another. I’ll be honest with ya’ll. Double file or not, as I’ve said before seein’ those men, and some boys, runnin’ fast and furious is just plain excitin’ for a woman of my maturity, but I do realize that is neither here nor there for a lot of folks. Whew! It’s hot in here, so, I guess I will ask ya’ll to tell me what you think about that business. I’ll pick out the most interestin’ and include them in my next article, if they let me have another one. Just give me your first name only and where you are from and a quick note on what you think about the restart and why and thank you in advance.

I won’t take up any more of your time especially since this article was suppose to have been part of my last one, but, I just have so many things to do these days. And besides, maybe it is best this way, because had I remembered, that article would have been too long and this part may have been cut for space sake or some other reason anyway. The owners and editors of catchfence have the right to do that, ya know.

Let me know if ya have anythin’ else on your mind, but, you need to give me some time to answer. I’m busier than ever, now, with bein’ a writer and all. Send your comments to:
grannygrump@catchfence.com

Granny Grump

Now for Tony. Well, Tony honey, you did it! You showed everyone you’ve still got it and, darlin’ you own it too! Can it get any better than that? Well of course it can! You just keep winnin’. And you will, you know you will. I am so proud of you. You looked so handsome in Victory Lane huggin’ your dad and smilin’ so big. I do love a man that shows his daddy affection and respect! That does my heart good. My late husband Elmer, always showed his daddy respect even when he beat Elmer time and time again at arm wrestlin’, but, that’s neither here nor there. Now, you just get out there and keep doin’ what your doin’ and if that 18 car gets close enough give him a little tap for ol’ granny, ya hear? Thank ya honey.

That leaves Jr. I know it is disappointin’ Dale, to finish in the 27 spot, but sugar, you had some excitin’ moments during that race. Just give Lance some time and you all will figure things out. My daddy used to say all things worth havin’ are worth waitin’ on. I know. You’ve been waitin’ long enough, but, it’s comin’, honey. It’s comin’ and when it does the party will be goin’ on all over the country for days, mark my words. Speakin’ of Lance, that’s a nice lookin’ man. I do love a man with a nice dimple, of sorts, in his chin. Gives the man a distinguished look. My late husband Elmer had a dimple, of sorts, in his chin, but, that’s neither here nor there. Just have a little more patience Dale, darlin’. I’ve already got a celebration planned at the bingo parlor ready at a moments notice. We are goin’ to party hardy, hon. I had bingo cards made up with 9 cards per sheet! 9, can you believe that, but, that’s neither here nor there. Just know a bunch of us here are rootin’ for ya, honey.

And lastly I want to thank all of my readers that took the time to write. Mavis, I appreciate your comments but, I do not want to air our personal laundry here. How many times do I have to tell you that this space is meant for my readers? I think you need some help, girl. I mean, I’m up here and you’re, well, not. We’ll talk more Thursday at the meat market. And as for Clifford, you need to pay more attention to your poor ol’ dog and less about what those ol’ fools at the barber shop are sayin’. Think, Clifford, for Pete’s sake think. Ya know what I mean?

Ya’ll feel free to write. Send your comments to:
grannygrunp@catchfence.com

I thought I would bring you all up to date on what has been happenin’ since my last writin’. I’ve been thinkin’ about that twitter thing Oprah is always talkin’ about, but, I just don’t know. Sounds like a bunch of drama to me and I pretty much think I have enough of that stuff to deal with. Do you all tweet? I’ll keep thinkin’ about it

I was talkin’ with the girls at the beauty shop the other day about racin’. You know that’s near impossible to do that with a group like that. One of them actually told me that watchin’ racin’ is a waste of her time, scary and she has more important things to do. Can you believe that nonsense? Well, I guess I either need to find a new group of girls or a new beauty shop or both. I told Beulah she was just plain too old for me. Then I asked her what could possibly be more important than watchin’ good lookin’ young men goin’ fast and furious? Canning? Makin’ jelly? Gettin’ that perfect purple shade to her hair that she and the rest of that bunch is so well known for? Well, that’s when all hell (that’s not a bad word anymore accordin’ to many sources) broke loose. Crazy bunch of old ladies! Shampoo bottles flyin’ at me, curlers bein’ ripped from heads with hair still attached were zippin’ past my head faster than a speedin’ bullet, yellin’ bad words and then someone called the cops. I’m tellin’ you it was a mess. I didn’t mind the ride to the station in the back seat of that cop’s car, he had a very nice smile. My late husband Elmer had a nice smile like that, but, that’s neither here nor there. They actually put me in there with Beulah of all the old things they had to choose from! Can you believe that? Oh dear Lord, that was just a mess! I got home sometime in the afternoon, but, that’s not what this article is about.

Race weekend is at Pocono, Pennsylvania. Dear Lord! I call it Poc Oh NO! You know what I mean, don’t cha? That can be a pretty hair raisin’ experience for those boys, well for the ones who have hair that is, let me tell you. Not that bein’ bald is a bad thing. I do love a nice bald head, as I said before, but that’s still neither here nor there. Excitin’! That’s what I all it (Beulah, you crazy ol’ bat)! Anyway, those boys have their hands full at Pocono. Stuff happens so fast there. In the time it takes to blink an eye that spoiler, and I love a good lookin’ spoiler, can wind up in unspeaknable places, but, they all race because they love it. And I watch it because it’s excitin’ to watch 43 good lookin’ young men goin’ fast and furious. Mercy!

I saw where that skinny little boy Joe Gibbs is runnin’ is gonna do double duty this weekend. That’s good. Good trainin’. That’s so important. I love his commercials, just love ‘em and that Home Depot guy in the apron helpin’ him is a cutie and so pleasant lookin’. I do love to see a man in an apron. Does my heart good. My late husband Elmer used to wear an apron sometimes, but, that’s not important and actually kind of a private matter, and Lord knows that’s neither here or there!

Anyway, one thing I do think is important, though, is that I’m actually glad there aren’t any women racin’ in NASCAR right now. It just does my heart good to see them takin’ good care of their husbands or boyfriends. How cute they all are standin’ there beside their men, holdin their hands and lookin’ so sweet and pretty. (Some of ‘em look like they’ve been a bit enhanced, don’t they? But that’s, well you know.). Oh a woman could certainly race a car and do it well, not a doubt in my mind, but, think about it. Look at that pretty little thing, Danica. Can you imagine what would happen if someone like her showed up to race those boys at a place like Pocono? How distractin’ would she be? Plenty, let me tell you! Oh dear Lord! If she absolutely has to come over here to race with our boys then she’d be better off racin’ at Sonoma or at that place in New York and I’d tell which ever France is in power that very thing if given half a chance. That’s my opinion, and I do know that that’s neither here nor there, but I’m stickin’ to it!.

And finally I want to thank all my readers for writin’ to me. Harry, I certainly will answer you if you write again, however, watch your mouth and no you do not know where I live. Good grief! And Hazel, shame on you girl. You need to make a break from those women like I did! Besides they’re all startin’ to look alike, from the back anyway. And just so you know that shampoo bottle didn’t hurt much at all, so get over it! So can we (girls) all just be friends? Ha!…as those silly girls in Hollywood say…”as if”?

Well you all can write me with your thought, if you like. Just give me time to answer. I have a lot of important things to do, ya know. Send ‘em to: grannygrump@catchfence.com

Well, I am going to try this writin’ business one more time. I kinda like it. Not too many people around here listen to me. Nitwits! I think they think I’m talkin’ to hear my teeth rattle. As those silly girls in Hollywood say, “As if?”

I just got to thinkin’ about Reuti’s win again and how Tony and the guy Darrell (He’s just real cute too! That Stevie is a lucky woman I’ll tell you, that.) called Billy Bad Bu– had some words. Now Tony, you see where that attitude got you? 19th place! That’s 17 spots behind the first loser, Tony. Now, I’m not sayin’ not to stand up for what you believe in, honey, it just might be a better idea to stand up for what you believe in where those sneaky reporters and film crews aren’t lurkin’. Ya understand, sweetie? That Tony is so cute. Oh how I love a good scruffy beard. My late husband Elmer had a nice scruffy beard somethin’ like that, but, that’s neither here nor there. But that Tony is just adorable, isn’t he? I reckon he can fuss at me almost anytime! Well, not dinner time for certain, not bedtime, Lord knows, and when I first get up is definitely a no no. I need my coffee for Pete’s sake (have you ever wondered who that Pete is people are always referrin’ to like that? I have my ideas, but, that’s neither here nor there.)

Anyway, Tony can ask when a good time to call is and I’ll let him know. Better yet, just email me Tony, honey. That’s probably easier. You’re so very busy and Lord knows I’ve got many important things to do.

Well, I guess “he who laughs last, laughs best. Or “he who is the first to stay out when the leaders pit and then it rains, finishes first,” Ya’ll can quote me on that and feel free to fancy it up a bit where it needs it.

Wonder if catchfence will post this column? It is a bit controversial, talkin’ about Tony and all, but, I felt it an important issue to give Tony the “better idea to stand up for what you believe in where those sneaky reporters and film crews aren’t lurkin’” advice. That Tony really is adorable. Lord knows I do like a good scruffy beard. And that Billy Bad Bu– ( that’s not his real name I am certain, but some mothers can be cruel) is a looker too. Lord knows I do like a nice bald head. My late husband Elmer was bald, but, that’s neither here nor there.

If you want to, you can write me with your thoughts at grannygrump@catchfence.com Give me proper time to answer. Lord knows I’ve got many important things to do.